I need prayers continuously, and I don't care who knows it. If that is a weakness, then I'd rather be weak in Jesus's arms, than strong on my own. I have experienced more existential "crises" than the average person, and some people don't get that. That's okay. I also know people have a choice in how they view disappointments, challenges, and rejections, and you have to get yourself up, dust yourself off, move on, and not take it too personally. This is true.
Yet I have persisted against endless professional challenges, that it makes me question what my true purpose on this earth is for. I no longer experience meaning, purpose, and contribution in ways that are significant, and every once in a while, yes, I need to feel empowered and validated. I used to experience, feel, and create these all the time. I NEVER do anymore. EVER. They are gone. Professionally and artistically, I am dead in the water.
I want to feel needed, empowered, and alive, like I am living life for others, a higher purpose, and everything it is worth. Don't we all? I have not experienced anything close to this in so long I don't remember what it feels like or looks like, especially professionally. There, I said it. Being forgotten hurts, and when there is no other experience, it can crush you, especially over the course of years. I affirm for more positive experiences in the future and make adjustments to my attitude and circumstances based on new information--constantly, and I believe those affirmations--but the years bring more of the same, even when I let Jesus take the wheel, and take action myself under his guidance.
Perceptions can get distorted, and all I see is a future full of gray dailiness and stacks of graded papers and neglected personal projects, as well as a life swept under the rug into forgotten-ness. Sometimes a new experience comes along to remind me, not of what I can do, but where I fall short. I don't seem to possess the what-have-you to keep up, even giving everything I have. I no longer think I'm deficient, like I used to, and I no longer think I don't have what it takes. God has set me straight on those. What I'm left with is no answers. No reasons. I simply don't know what to think anymore . . .
I just pray. Like always. I just pray. There may not be answers at this moment, but there are arms to hold me. And you.
