Thorns in the Flesh

            This is not another blog about optimism and how to think positively. Enough of those blogs have been written. And I wouldn’t be qualified to write such a blog. This is about thorns in the flesh.

A child is a sponge that absorbs habits, energies, words, and emotions of adults around her, for better for worse. Because of this permeable nature, pivotal moments can change a child’s view of her world forever. Unlike adults, the fringe between her inner world and the world around her has not yet fully sealed. The absorption of energies around her becomes permanent as that fringe begins to seal and thicken, allowing her to cope, self-soothe, and hopefully acquire good habits for a permanent and productive life.

As children become adults, allowing new in and old out becomes more difficult. The boundary between our inner and outer worlds also protects us, allows us to manage our inner worlds more effectively, and helps us cope with disappointment and trauma, as we are ready. Consequently, changing habits becomes an immense challenge when we are adults, contrasted to when we are children. What we condition ourselves to learn and unlearn becomes a daunting task. Even with tricks to bypass into the subconscious mind, we resist change, and our ingrained habits become memes. Perhaps this is why children are so adept at learning new languages, while adults must work harder to retain new language skills.

As a child, I didn’t understand my nature, but I was a highly sensitive child. Pivotal moments conditioned me with negative thinking, simply because there wasn’t an understanding of a child’s delicate nature and how the world impacts them. Many children have a thin paper fringe between the outside and themselves. Some children may have a thinner margin than others. My fringe seemed to be tissue paper, easily crumpled and torn. At certain key moments, habits and decisions created a negative mindset in me—one full of anger, pessimism, bitterness, and turmoil.  

Many years later, my fifteen-year-old self discovered Norman Vincent Peale, and from then on, I made my chief goal in life to become a positive thinker and take personal responsibility for my mindset. I did not realize it then, but the paper was torn in places, and it had closed into a brick wall in others. After reading literally hundreds of books, praying, meditating, reading scriptures, committing them to memory, doing reconditioning exercises, and going to therapy, I can say I am a more positive thinker than I was then. I know I am a work in progress. Nevertheless, after 20 years of surrendering to God, this aspiration has been a failure.

One may say this is a negative statement and be more positive about it. I am not proud to admit I still curse at incompetent drivers, complain incessantly when I get especially frustrated, and carry anger that builds up if I don’t diligently guard my psyche.  I diligently guard her, and she remains surrounded by a thin veil of tissue paper that doesn’t seem to protect her from the overstimulation and constant changes of life. This leaves me exhausted. All the time. Almost daily mental practices, prayer, and easing up on myself have helped, but they have not sealed the hole that leaves me experiencing frequent overexposure.

Negativity is an addiction, just like compulsive shopping, alcohol use, or drug use. Negativity is my drug. Like an addict, I have made many powerful attempts to kill the addiction, like radiation kills cancer from one’s body. And I have failed. Negativity is a choice, and yet it can be wired into the fibers of one’s tissue, one’s brain, and one’s being. I’m totally willing to change what I am, which is so intricately connected to and wired into negativity that it would be like having an elaborate surgery to remove all the connectors so none of the roots, tissues, or fibers can regrow the roots of this addiction. It takes a work at the roots. My identity remains a separate entity from negativity. I am NOT negativity.

Many people have encouraged me to not try so hard, let go, and surrender, and then answers will come to me. I took their advice and free fell like the world was turned upside-down and I was falling into the blue sky. For a few moments, I experienced what few people feel every day—completely free. But as I continued to ignore those roots, they grew back, and their vines tangled the spring in my step, the praise of my tongue, and the smile on my lips, and I was once again bound in thorns. Past conditioning and moving optimistically into the future will not make negative conditioning disappear. This approach works for some people, but when I don’t tend my roots, they grow a briar patch by sundown. I do not argue for negativity; on the contrary, I would give up anything--and I do mean anything--to live a life of unbounded optimism, to have a day of peace, and to taste the sweetness of freedom.

We all need positivity in our lives, we need encouragement, and yes, we need positive thinking. This blog is not to argue for negativity. However, everyone has more—much more—going on in them than anyone can ever realize.

And most people keep it inside.

Some people find their emotions spilling into their lives despite their best efforts and personal accountability. Others may think if someone shows their problems to the world, they are neglecting to take personal responsibility, but sometimes the opposite is true. Just because someone shows a weakness or they act out in ways they should not, that does not mean they are neglecting their inner lives and attitudes. They may be doing their best day by day, and if they neglected self-care, their conditions would actually be much worse. The world stigmatizes such people and treats them as inferiors. And likewise, when someone remains sunny and optimistic, their flesh may be wrapped in a crown of thorns inside.

We should be discreet and avoid inappropriate over shares regarding our lives, and if someone chooses to keep their inner life private, that may be what is best for them. I am hesitant to write these blogs, as I am a very private person, but I feel strongly God telling me to do so. And I obey, because I want to help people.  Nonetheless, I have never understood why some people put on their prettiest mask to cover up thorny crowns of flaws. If those masks came off and everyone pursued optimism while being real with each other, it would spare so many flawed people the pain of holding in all of their imperfections all the time. The people with the most imperfections are also the ones who are most conscious of what others think of them. I believe this unbearable type of pain is the root of many suicides, as is the stigma associated with mental illness. Unfortunately, many do not realize there are ways to cope with such burdens.

I am not arguing for the other extreme. For instance, someone who complains and cries all the time can be exhausting, and such behavior is toxic. I know someone who has been grieving a loss profusely for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. There is another extreme that destroys life.

Optimism is still the antidote, but sometimes we just needs to be honest. And sometimes we need a compassionate ear that will listen. This isn’t a sign of weakness. If around someone in this state, don’t give these persons advice. Just listen. I pray that the many thorns in my side, whether they are healed or not, will help me to remember to be compassionate to all people and not judge the manifestations of their behavior so quickly. I am guiltier of judging than many, but requiring more self-compassion has a strange way of impacting how I treat others. A thorn in the flesh hurts, plain and simple. The Apostle Paul prayed for God to take away the thorn in his side multiple times, and God did not:

"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Cor. 12:7-10) 

God’s reasons are not entirely clear, but we know that Paul had every worldly reason to boast, and his thorn in the flesh kept him humble, compassionate, and real with himself and others. Likewise, when Jesus was given a crown of thorns, he did not cast it off because he took on the sins of the world so that we could be healed. By his stripes we are healed, but I believe through his thorns we are healed as well. He took our stripes, and every day, he takes our thorns. Our thorns sometimes grow back, but his consuming love continues to burn them away. Grace is God’s way of showing us this consuming fire of love.

Even though God heals, and he takes away many thorns in the flesh, I do know I will let God use it in me if he can, and maybe one day he will heal me. He has even told me He will. In writing this, it’s funny that I found a quote I was looking for on a website called positivelypositive.com. It states: “Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”